Pixelated Resolution

As we ring in the New Year of 2020 , I notice the masses are at it again . They want to hit the gym , stop smoking , find love or whatever “resolution” they convince themselves they will achieve. I have always had a melancholy view of ringing in the New Year. If you want to change something that is wrong , than why wait until the New Year to do so ? Why not work on changing the things you hate about yourself at the moment you realize that it is a problem ? Personally , i have a lot to work on as a person … i know this . The only thing is my battle with depression is making it quite difficult to do anything other than work . The things i am talking about are not physical necessarily but more psychological really. Like letting go of the past … i find myself more connected to the past than i am about being excited for the future and that may be the very reason i can not get off my pity party carousel . I want to look in the mirror and be happy with the person looking back at me , all i see are the things i should have done different . I was a great girlfriend at one point than one day i shut down . It is not his fault, he is the same guy i met 2 years ago . But i have these expectations of a life that he has not provided but i have always been so independent that i do not let him help me . My best friend told me “ Lyssa, I love you , but you are the most indecisive person i have ever met “. I just want to wake up tomorrow knowing what magic potion i need to show me purpose and what will truly make me happy . Do i need to get back up on aerial silks , do i need to be a better bartender , do i need to drive for hours with no destination ? I feel like i am the only person who feels exactly like this knowing that millions are dealing with anxiety and depression too. I know my punctuation sucks but i just had to get my thoughts out.